How to balance?
When I got up this morning, suddenly a doubt regarding relationships and the way to deal with people cropped up in my mind.
A few days back, I was discussing with one of my friends who said that one should live one's life without bothering much about what others think about him. One should not be really bothered if they are irritated with him or putting up with him. He should be really frank and speak out whatever he feels like. If at all the others do not like the way one behaves or talks, then it is their problem if they do not express and not his. This made a lot of sense to me then.
But today, the feeling I had is that living thus could be considered a bit insensitive or even callous. It is because you really do not care whether other is hurt by your behaviour or not. The other might not be in a position to tell you always that he is putting up with you because of a variety of reasons which you needn't know. He might be just putting up a friendly smile although inside he might be really pained.
On the other hand, I feel one should live in such a manner that it does not cause any sort of pain to others whatsoever physically or mentally. So, naturally you need to check the way you speak or behave with people around you. You should be able to judge what the others feel and think to a certain extent and behave accordingly and not just behave in a manner you feel is right. But living thus also has a problem of its own. Judgements you make are not always correct and by trying to judge you unknowingly sometimes start developing prejudices and pre-conceived notions against them. You start assuming things about what they would think if you behave in a particular manner. Thus, you not only are creating unnecessary prejudices but also are creating a weight in your own mind because you are not transparent.
Evidently, the two kinds of behaviour are contrasting but both make a lot of sense in terms of relationship. I feel one needs to have qualities of both in one's relationship. But where to draw the line is a mystery. At least I don't know to what extent I can be frank and to what extent I should go about judging people and behave accordingly. It is a mystery whose solution I hopefully will be able to find sometime.
A few days back, I was discussing with one of my friends who said that one should live one's life without bothering much about what others think about him. One should not be really bothered if they are irritated with him or putting up with him. He should be really frank and speak out whatever he feels like. If at all the others do not like the way one behaves or talks, then it is their problem if they do not express and not his. This made a lot of sense to me then.
But today, the feeling I had is that living thus could be considered a bit insensitive or even callous. It is because you really do not care whether other is hurt by your behaviour or not. The other might not be in a position to tell you always that he is putting up with you because of a variety of reasons which you needn't know. He might be just putting up a friendly smile although inside he might be really pained.
On the other hand, I feel one should live in such a manner that it does not cause any sort of pain to others whatsoever physically or mentally. So, naturally you need to check the way you speak or behave with people around you. You should be able to judge what the others feel and think to a certain extent and behave accordingly and not just behave in a manner you feel is right. But living thus also has a problem of its own. Judgements you make are not always correct and by trying to judge you unknowingly sometimes start developing prejudices and pre-conceived notions against them. You start assuming things about what they would think if you behave in a particular manner. Thus, you not only are creating unnecessary prejudices but also are creating a weight in your own mind because you are not transparent.
Evidently, the two kinds of behaviour are contrasting but both make a lot of sense in terms of relationship. I feel one needs to have qualities of both in one's relationship. But where to draw the line is a mystery. At least I don't know to what extent I can be frank and to what extent I should go about judging people and behave accordingly. It is a mystery whose solution I hopefully will be able to find sometime.
7 Comments:
ippo innagra....?
I still am strongly with wat i said! It's their problem. you have something in your head, just say it. It's better than thinking and shouting out loud in your head!
And you don't have to think soooo much. It complicates things all the more!
probably you have not come across situations where you need to keep your mouth shut although you have so much to say. i have experienced it a lot and i know the difficulties involved.
When I wanted to comment on this, I didn't know what to say. And so, I sat for a couple of seconds to think about it, and here are the thoughts that came.
There is a simple statement in Sanskrit which captures the essence of it:
Priayam brUyat satyam brUyat na brUyat satyamapriyam.
Essentially, speak the truth, and speak with love. All the issues will be taken care of. One will be frank, because you are going to speak the truth, and one will not be hurting, because you are going to speak with love. When there is love, immediately, one is careful enough not to be hurting.
Two things which I would like to tell Gaana in particular.
Not telling the truth is not equivalent to lying.
And being frank when u very well know that it is hurting just because you want to get it out of your head instead of "shouting out loud in your head" amounts to callousness. By speaking it, it gives you relief, but gives someone else pain. This is pure sadism. Is your pleasure so important that it can be derived out of someone else's pain? If so, speak it out, even if you know it is going to hurt.
^ Well the point arises when you very badly want to say something about the person, to the person, but the fact that it will hurt the person is holding you back from telling you that. Imagine, then there would be no point in the need for a change in anything in this world... Everybody would go about their businesses hoping not to be "callous" as u have said. so i see no point in not telling somebody in their face, if the situation warrants the same.
if the situation warrants the same.
yes, and the only time the situation can warrant something of that sort is when the content of your message is going to be of some benefit to that person. It could be to correct that person, or convey a bad news, etc. Whatever may it be, if we can temper with some love, the pain will be lesser for that person.
The question we should ask ourselves in such a case is whether we are telling that lovingly, keeping their well-being in mind, or are we mixing it with our feelings of prejudices, hate, jealousy, etc.
there is something known as 'tact'. Everything has a way of doing.. in such sensitive situations... its all about how tactfully you can convey what you want to say.
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